008

 today i went to the mall with sydney and we had a beautiful time!!!!!!!!!!! it was so good, so so so good, good–to catch up with her. she drove herself. i am not driving yet, i feel behind. but i'm not very concerned. i've put out a new song: Rainbow Candy Lights. yay! i am very excited. at the mall, i saw a girl i knew but i didn't say hello because she did not see me. and i got three CDs, because they had a Buy-Two-Used-CDs-Get-One-Free sale, so. I got Jewel-Pieces Of You, and Dixie Chicks-Home. and for an unused CD, i got Clairo-Sling. the Jewel CD is deluxe! i didn't know until i had just bought it, so i am lucky. especially clovery today. i am looking at pens on pinterest, i feel happy to have made a new friend.

007

 today i am not sure what i'll do, but i slept so much. i am feeling well rested, i think my mommy is at work. she went in early today. i create imaginary albums, and i have song titles & i can imagine the meaning behind them and the sound. like Tiger//Hunter is about the most awful nightmare that i had the other night, i was naked in a strange exotic place, running around searching for clothes, food, water, shelter. and as i was running all around the grass, the sky was changing colors, like a pinwheel. I had the feeling that you get when you know someone is perving on you but you aren't fully sure, but you can feel it. that terrible, disgusting, mortifying feeling. I wondered who was watching me, where they were. It was a tiger--a sexual predator manifested through the form of a giant, corn syrup bloodied tiger. I have always had dreams in which tigers or big cats represent danger, i suppose because they are wild and can be violent when non-trusting. anyhow, i remember running from the tiger over and over and i reached a house, i ran into the bedroom and all of the furniture was tall and high. so i climbed up on the bed and jumped from the bed, to the nightstand, to the dresser, to the desk, to the tv-stand, and back around. i kept doing this as the tiger circled the floor below, waiting for me to fall or something. I woke up and I had already been crying in my sleep, i was drenched in sweat, and the moment i realized i was awake--i burst into hysteric crying. because i was just so terrified of that nightmare. I'd like to turn that emotion, that feeling into a song. I'm not sure how yet, though. i love most animals, and i don't hate tigers at all. i am just very afraid of them, though i think they're beautiful. 

Ginger Snaps Edit

 This is my favorite Ginger Snaps edit  at the moment. I've been listening to Amber Waves a lot. I love that song :-) I saved this edit a long time ago. I can't stand to be on TikTok because it gives me a headache and I find myself worrying about things that I shouldn't worry about when I am on there. Instagram is okay. I wish that reels weren't there because they are addictive. 

006

 i delete social media so often. and i feel terrible. i feel terrible terrible terrible. when i closed my window i could smell the cold air and it smelled so good. though i don't like cold weather. i am feeling so lonely.

005

 my loneliness has become a large, large monster. i am always fighting it. but it makes me want to run away, run so far that i run into oblivion and i cease to exist at all. not in the sense that i want to die, or anything. it isn't like that. i would just enjoy it if i could disappear, all evidence of my existence........goes away. i look for unicorns, and rainbows and angels and four leaf clovers. and gold in the wild. and glitter. those things make me enjoy life. i have always wanted to disappear, or go missing. i think i want people to wonder about me, and think of me when i'm not around. but my loneliness and shame are two monsters that are always hanging heavy in my room. i wish that they would leave me be—but that isn't in their nature. i've known them for a long time. this is only how i feel. it is not as if i am being abused by people. it is only how i feel. feelings and reality are two enemies, sometimes. wow! i can highlight things in any color i fancy. how sweet is that. that is so cute. that's made my night. 

i look for unicorns,

rainbows, four leaf

clovers, angels & 

golden coins, if i

am lucky, i may see

glitter in nature.

004

 my constant lonely feeling makes me so eager and fast to respond when someone does talk to me, i spill out everything i've been walking around with in my head, and i think that it overwhelms- or irritates the person i'm speaking to. if i could hard stop this behavior i would, but i'm not sure how to unlearn a thing like that. i am overall a bit down in the dumps today. i felt so sick knowing that my good friend is gone, and i do not even know why. i am not going to ask- if she isn't willing to reply to any other message, would good would that do? i won't be angry. i promised myself that i would be less hateful- less irritable, but if i do end up angry........i promised that i'd keep it to myself rather than telling my close circle, because if someone leaves the circle (as my good friend is now) my thoughts are just being severed from my view, and that is a jarring thought, to me. anyhow, i won't be angry. no, i'll try my hardest to be understanding, and not be hateful. i can be angry without being hateful. i am trying to be a good person. i want to be good, i want to be good, i want to be good, i want to be good, i will be good- one day. hopefully one day soon. this blogger website is very simple and helpful for placing my thoughts....and piecing them together in a way that feels better than the messy way that i text others. i am always so excited to receive a message. that is all, for today i think. i may update before bed. if any other thoughts come to me. you'll know.

003

 i asked misty why bad things keep happening to me, in relation to the people that i am close to. i asked her why my feelings keep getting hurt, and if i am the problem. i am always saying that- i am a bad person, i am not good. but it is how i feel. it is how i feel. i am always afraid that i'm not good, because if i was good- why do people not seem to talk to me? what is it in particular that is so repulsive about me, that nobody else has? i love everyone so much. so so so so so much. you could not imagine the amount of love that i feel. when people are kind to me, i often cry because i am grateful for them, and their kindness. and their existence. is that too much? am i wrong for being sentimental? is it the same old story- that i am too much of something and not enough of some other thing. i think it is because i am awfully dramatic. not intentionally. it is never intentional. it is how i feel. it is how i feel........!!!!!!!! i am struggling with shame. a lot of it. it is making me unhappy all of the time. and that is another thing. i do not mean to be pessimistic, or sad, or draining, or irritating. i do not want to tell anybody anything any more. because i am always feeling- feeling- feeling!!!!! that i am draining, or unwelcome. and this is not a statement. this is not me yelling: "this is what is happening! really! this is exactly what is happening!" this is me feeling........ a big difference between the two, if you ask me. i say that- that i don't want to tell anybody anything anymore. and then i trust again, and the cycle repeats. i am like a tornado. spinning around and around and it seems that i am destroying things. i am not meaning to. i am not trying to be repulsive, or bad. i do not want to be bad. i am, though. that is how i feel. that is how i feel. that is how i!!!! feel!!!!! that is how i feel. do you understand? all of this has come about because of the smallest thing. a beautiful, lovely, adorable friend of mine has recently stopped replying to me. and it has sent me into an embarrassing frenzy. a frenzy that i did not choose to enter, and one that i can not control in any way. it is not me, if it were up to me i would be relaxed. but it leads me repeatedly to wonder what it is that i did, or if it has anything to do with me at all? but if it does not, why am i on the line for it? i think i am losing my mind. these days, i don't feel good or welcome or happy anywhere. because i say too many words all at once and it is obnoxious and my voice is grating and to be around me is to be tired. i hope to circle back to this, and feel differently. that is my hope, and my prayer.

back to misty- she told me that maybe because they are bad people. and i said that everyone can't be bad, it wouldn't make sense that i am good and everyone else is bad. i don't think hardly any common person is bad. there are bad people, but evil people are a rarity. anyhow, after that, misty said that maybe good people do bad things. is it bad? it made me wonder about the definition of bad, and good, in my mind. i think that bad is...bigger than it should be. if you understand. these things, and people, are simple. it is not evil, nor is it life-threatening. it is only emotionally stretching, and distressing. for me, at least. not many others seem to experience emotions in the way that i do. in the way that is a burden to many. anyway, none of that is important. what is important is misty. someone ignoring me hurts my feelings, it is simple. but they are not a bad person. they are a person, everyone is. i don't know how to say what i am trying to say, i cannot communicate this to you. it is hard. it has always been hard, and it always will be. the things that are hurting my feelings are so small that they are nonexistent in the scale of the tiny world that we live in, and the tiny existence that we are. i still cannot communicate this. not in the way that i want. i am saying that the things that people do- that hurt my feelings- are not big enough to create the word bad, in their cauldron. does that make sense? it is not serious enough to say they are bad. it can be, only in the comfort of my bedroom, where nobody can see or hear me. then, and only then, in that tiny window, can i say that something was bad. being ignored, is not good. but it isn't bad enough (in the context that it is happening to me) to be called bad- or evil, either. i have been thinking of this relatively often, the past few weeks. i have been feeling lonely, and it is all toppling up into a big monster. like it did last summer, and the monster made me meaner than i really am. i am carrying the shame and guilt even now. 

let me repeat my hope & prayer: i hope and pray, dear angels, that i can look back on this entry, and feel differently. and have a lighter perspective, and have learned something.